(1979/USA)
(aka. SANCTUARY FOR EVIL, ANCIENT CURSE OF THE DAMNED, CURSE OF THE LIVING DEAD, NIGHTSTALKER)
REVIEW BY-DEVIN KELLY
CAST: Tamara Taylor, Meeno Peluce, Barbara Monker, Linnea Quigley, Crackers Phinn, Chris Riley, Lara Morann, Earl Statler, K.L. Garber, Cambra Foldes, David Ariniello, Steven Lovy, Lawrence D. Foldes, Mark Meadows, Linwood Chase, Janet Giglio, Doug White, Steven Leider, Rich Buendia, Stephan Hun, Nicholas J. Vicent, Shane O’Brien, Beverly Bruce, Marlene Warner
DIRECTOR: Lawrence D. Foldes
PRODUCER: Lawrence D. FoldesStar Cinema Productions
RUNNING TIME: 83 min. 22 seconds
DVD SOURCE: Dark Sky FilmsWell, where does one begin with a film like this? Demented and one of a kind would be just a start in describing a far-out, left field flick such as DON’T GO NEAR THE PARK (1979). Shot in California by an extremely ambitious and then only 19 year old, Lawrence David Foldes, the film is complimentarily unique and actually quite an ennobling effort by the young director and his band of movie making misfits. While not the equivalent of an award earning classic (and it need not be), it is by far, over anything else, a film going experience certainly not forgotten once you’ve sat down with it for it’s nearly 84 minute running time. Filmed in and around Griffith Park and Bronson Caves in Los Angeles (the locations for a huge number of films), the outlandish plot takes us back 12,000 years to a paternal quarrel, after the Queen mother of a cannibalistic tribe (and likely the smallest tribe you’ll ever come across) discovers that her two now grown yet hardly aged children, Tra (Barbara Monker) and Gar (Crackers Phinn), have been eating the young of the group in order to maintain eternal youth.
As a result, the furious mother condemns them to be forever cursed with life, with the only possible parole from this plight coming 12,000 years to follow, where the two must sacrifice a female, 16 year old virgin offspring of either of the two. “You Gar, and you Tra…you choose your own fates!”, she tells them. “The nature’s balance that you destroyed, will now turn on you!”. That’s not the only hook though – it must happen when the stars complete the revolution of the Zodiac and once again the twin stars of the wolf come into perfect alignment with the moon. If all goes as planned, they will be young for eternity without having to chow down on any more raw flesh. Is the whole thing a big HUH yet? Yeah, that’s what I thought…but what the hell, it’s all in good fun (I think). Bounce 12,000 years forward (arguably the biggest time warp ahead you’ll see from any film) and we have Gar (now called Mark) prowling around the green of Griffith Park looking for a meal. He just so happens to spot a young fisherman (David Ariniello), and well, gets a nice moist snack out of the deal as he proceeds to literally dig into the lad’s stomach (the notorious moment responsible for landing this one on the BBFC’s much coveted, “Video Nasties” list). Gar (or Mark) is not only looking for flesh and blood to consume, but also a mate with which to conceive the future virgin sacrifice.
Well damn if he didn’t find a sweet piece of meat as he feasts his weirdo eyes on the gorgeous Linnea Quigley (in one of her first real parts) and decides it must be her. Our buddy Gar certainly has odd ways of scoring a beautiful woman’s affections though, as he simply decides to walk into her house and abruptly speak to her in the bathroom as she exits the shower. Linnea’s shocked for all of ten seconds as he explains his presence. “Don’t be frightened…don’t be frightened. Calm down…calm down! I know it looks silly. I thought I saw someone in the house. The door was wide open. Please, I just wanted to rent a room”, he tells her with all the warming appearance of a serial killer. Linnea doesn’t seem to mind strangers wandering into her bathroom though, as she simply says, “Well alright, just a room. I don’t want you wandering around the house”. Why is it never that simple in real life, fellas?!? From here, it’s a flurry of “holy fuck!” as Gar the Bizarre gets her in the sack, marries her, gets her in the sack again and knocks her up, and the child, which they name Bondi (Gar’s strange way of symbolizing the “bond” they share) is born.
All in the span of about five minutes! Geez! It’s not long though before Linnea turns into a complete bitch and starts becoming increasingly jealous over new daughter and father’s closeness, which finally causes the now 16 year old Bondi (Tamara Taylor) to run away. To make a long, oddball story short, she winds up living in the dreaded Griffith Park, in an old abandoned ranch house with two other runaways – Cowboy (Chris Riley) and the very entertaining, Nick (Meeno Peluce) – along with an ugly old hag who has an uncanny resemblance to our cannibalistic wench, Tra (yet they call her, “Patty”). Throw veteran actor Aldo Ray (PSYCHIC KILLER ’75, MONGREL ’82) into the mix as a writer who explains the history of the curse to young Nick, a dog who keeps popping up out of nowhere, the attempted sacrifice, some zombies and a couple of moments of laser eye beam blasting, and you’ve got what adds up to something like a celluloid narcotic.
This film is by far one of the most insane I’ve ever had the honor of popping into my player. I was warned ahead of time by friends and acquaintances of it’s mind-eradicating power, but I moved ahead bravely. I’m sure it will come as no surprise to those who know me that I loved it! It's wild, wacky, and makes little sense. Part of it’s appeal in fact, is that it moves along in a hallucinating manner, and really, you’re never sure what may happen or be randomly added into it’s weavings next. Some of the dialogue is downright hilarious, the effects are cheap but actually admirable, in some ways making you long for the good old days when film makers and crew had to get their hands dirty. The cast really makes the most of things, and the majority of the performances are decent. The Linda Blair-ish Tammy Taylor is quite appealing as the pretty, Bondi, and it's unfortunate she didn't go on to too much more in the movie industry, because she really brings a distinctive vibe to the proceedings, and is darn cute at times too.
I got a huge kick out of then child actor, Meeno Peluce (THE AMITYVILLE HORROR '79) who is genuinely funny and lovable as the inquisitive, Nick. I laughed out loud at the initial exchanges between the overly horny Peluce and Ms. Taylor, with one moment in particular where Bondi states, "Keep it in your pants, will ya! I'm sick of people trying to molest me!". The quick-witted Nick replies back with, "but I'm a kid", to which she returns with, "Even child molesters". Funny stuff! Aldo Ray is around all too briefly, but he's always noticable in these kinds of films anyway, and Crackers Phinn and Barbara "Monker" ham it up to high heaven. The disc presented by the awesome workhorses at Dark Sky is all the more reason to at least give DON’T GO NEAR THE PARK one watch. Never have I seen a package for such an obscure film make it seem like an unforgotten diamond. It’s just amazing what these guys came up with in terms of extras. The film itself looks like it was shot just a few years ago (with the exceptions of the fashion of course) – crisp, clean, and delivered to us in a beautiful 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen print.
The bonuses are loaded, with an extensive and inside information packed commentary featuring director Foldes (who is just as enthusiastic as he was then) and scream babe, Linnea Quigley (SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT '84, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD '85). One huge revelation is the discovery that actress Barbara Monker (who played Tra) was in fact SPACE: 1999’s one and only, Barbara Bain! Another highly interesting discussion during this is the story regarding why Aldo Ray ended up in so many low-budget films. Also included is a very cool poster and stills gallery – some of which give us some great behind the scenes photos from Foldes' personal collection. Topping it off are extra and deleted scenes, gore outtakes (which show some much longer scenes of crimson than the ones in the actual version offered here), two trailers and a short television spot. I also looked over the CURSE OF THE LIVING DEAD version, which runs a very short 76 minutes 15 seconds and is shorn of all the major gore, jumping erratically, as well as part of the van rape sequence (which features director Foldes as one of the assailants) - so avoid it! I’d seriously watch this thing again as it’s one of those films, no matter how awful people think it may be, that just sticks in your head. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is up to you. To me, the term “so bad it’s good” was never more fitting.
STORY: 3/5 BITCH SLAPS PICTURE: 5/5 BITCH SLAPS AUDIO: 4.5/5 BITCH SLAPS EXTRAS: 5/5 BITCH SLAPS OVERALL FILM: 3.5/5 BITCH SLAPS Purchase this At X-Ploited Cinema
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