( 1989 / Hong Kong / Philippines / Thailand )
Review by Paul Cooke Director: Edgar Jere Starring: Sorapong Chatree & Chien Sun Source : Trans World Entertainment / NTSC Video Tape / Full Screen / English Language Dubbed
From the bizarrely bubonic bowel of Asian Cinema comes the unique Production Engine Tomas Tang , with his stupefying mix of monster mis mash. Thrown together here to the delight of all fans of the obscure , or perhaps more pertinently for frequent fliers of ‘B’ movie brevity. With a script that has more holes to fill than Hugh Hefner’s gardener , and a rarity akin to spotting a Dodo bird at a eunuch charity ball , Director Edgar Jere slaps a classic of ‘Bad’ cinema across the screen that’s an absolute must see raucous riot fest.
To help their movie script writer deliver her best work film company producer Mister Lawrence , and assistant Dickson , send writer Joyce along with her secretary Cindy to an isolated villa in a remote part of the Philippines. The world of spirits , ghouls and ghastly vampiric demons await her arrival , along with the local film production rival in the shape of the unscrupulous Mister Jackson. Right from the off both Joyce and Cindy become entwined in mystical misgivings with the unusual sight of a Taoist Priest delivering incantations outside their apartment. He speaks to the spirit world and feverishly aligns various skeleton bones together like a dice throwing gambler on a role. The skull amidst the skeletal remains still has a mind of its own and it canters along behind the two women with a humorous scuffle , clearly still keen at the sight of a nice body.
With Joyce settling in she hands the driver the telephone in a parting act of defiance to conformity , leaving just her along with companion Cindy to begin work without distraction. It’s not the skulking skull outside that has a bone to pick though as the gathering forces from the spirit world dials up the first killer call , the unfortunate driver its victim , attacked by the telephone which rings his neck !.
Suspecting some fowl play by the opposition Mister Lawrence pre-hires a local bodyguard in the shapely form of local Filipino femme fatale Jackie , to watch out and stand up for his crew of writers and staff. The dark haired beauty is soon seen in action totting a hand held cross bow , leaping into the men’s toilet at a restaurant to fire a dart into the forehead of a local hoodlum with lethal accuracy. The unfortunate hood is caught right in the act of urinating his last beverage , showing that Jackie’s aim is better than his. This bodacious babe drives the streets in a downgraded Knight Rider charge , seeking out the scum of the side walk and duly dispatching the skid marks of society with a gun that signs her name in death. This luscious lady liquidator also carries a lethal line in lipstick. A smudge of ruby red to bad guy skin reacts quicker than a smear campaign and results in a disease ridden corpse. Now that’s Dead good !.
The evil spirit possession of writer Joyce is soon well under way with her drifting into a realm of unreality in a nightmare dream like state. A Zombie-fied creature with a bad case of acute teenage acne , amplified by a ghoul friend slamming a nest full of enraged hornets on its head , then treated with quick drying maple syrup , seemingly attacks her friend and gorges on her innards. This tacky looking beast is fabulously entertaining as it sports skin tone gloves with finger blades that Freddy Kruger must have been missing during the hiatus period between the ‘A Nightmare On Elm Street’ sequels. Re-enter the Taoist Priest with two hapless toothy vampires , with ring side seats waiting for an opportunity to sample the spraying blood. The possession of Joyce continues with all manner of bizarre assaults by the equally fantastical monster with its designer line of unkempt nails , the kind that surely play havoc with the personal hygiene moments come post meal deposit tear and wipe time !.
With the self consumed Mister Jackson gradually disposing of the production crew , despite vain attempts to head hunt them for his own interpretation of the same movie , all manner of kung fu fighting folk living and recently risen from the dead go head to head with the good guys. Enter the infamous hoping vampires who attack Dickson , who does well to hold his own up until the sudden appearance of a man mountain Zombie. Three on one is more than the mere mortal can handle so with a puff of smoke , and a Wonder Woman twirl , Dickson re-emerges as a white garbed , sword wielding mighty Ninja with a nice line in exploding metal stars. Roll back your eyelids and don’t think about blinking as the good stuff just keeps on coming. Like a freight train full of playgirls all with a concert ticket playing at your house , with you as the Rock God main attraction !. The crazy Action is so off the page that to encapsulate it into a mere sentence could only be offered in the descriptive of seeing the Banana Splits driving into Hollywood to make a serious movie wearing Tutu’s !. With big bad movie making gangster Mister Jackson holding captive various members of the main production crew aboard his off shore boat , the good guys , aided by the police , head for a showdown back at the secluded chalet.
Dickson goes to the aid of the now fully possessed Joyce and pummels the Kruger Creature from her for a man versus monster stand off. The demon drop out from daytime monster matinee’s proves to be a test too stern for mere Dickson to overcome so with another Lynda Carter twirl , and a bellowing of dry ice wafting over a very Camp fire , emerges ... No not White Ninja ! ... but Robo Warrior !!!. The star of the movie ‘Robo Vampire’ is seen here in all his shiny glory , appearing in a cameo role for Filmark International Productions for the same infamous Producer , Tomas Tang.
Hit the high yelp for joy note as Robo steps up to the plate decked out like a silver lame suited Elvis ready to Viva Las Vega Vampires. You’ll be Crying In The Chapel with fits of laughter as Robo shoe shine shuffle’s his funky strut all over the dumb founded beastie , but not before you almost choke on the mirth mucous as suddenly the floored Joyce gives explosive birth to a mini Vampire !!!. Hold on to that vision as said Austin Powers wannabe Doctor Evil diminutive proceeds to take to the high ground and urinate all over the monster Vampire who is actually its father ! , and so soon participating in ye olde Golden Shower indulgence !.
This is a Cult Classic rare joy of a bizarre Philippine fun for all that has got to be seen to be believed , and then seen again to be convinced of all that you did actually witness with the above and more. What more could you ask for from a mad as a hatter Producer in Tomas Tang with a film that has a Freddy Kruger monster , hoping vampires , a crazy Taoist Priest and enough ghoulish slam bang crash wallop bashings all thrown together for the price of a cheap bottle of plonk. The ludicrously welcome cameo from the moon walking man machine Robo , as the urban astronaut , is a Buzz Lightyear beyond all normality. Lampooning even the hilariously dubious dubbing of a script that is about as coherent as a lip synching monkey for ‘The Planet Of The Apes’.
Watch out for the classic ‘Carrie’ final frame and do make sure you have all the popcorn and lip smacking beverages you can pull together whilst viewing. This one’s an absolute gem that peels back the brain cells stuck to the cobwebs of your mind and dances across the sub genres even overlooked by Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Now that is something to ‘Crow’ over.
